Well, it looks like my smallest will be officially starting Pre-K next year. I am not ready. I’m not confident she is ready for school. Or that the school is ready for her.
Lillian has always been what articles I’ve searched when looking for advice call a “willful” child.
Right out of the gate ( I was the gate) she has been a strong personality. All babies cry at birth, it’s a natural response to the trauma of the event. But looking back at it now, I don’t know that Lily was crying to inflate those new lungs or because she was alarmed or scared. No, Lily’s was more a battle cry.
Even in that first year it quickly became clear that this wee elfin beast would only have things on her own terms. Most nights she would not sleep unless I was holding her, which seems like a sweet bonding thing, except she would only sleep if I was walking with her. I was like her trusty haggard milk steed. If I tried to lay down- she screamed. Tried to even SIT down-oh, the fury.
Some might suggest that we should have let her cry things out and oh, I screech-laugh at those people while ferociously nodding my head in mock-agreement and punching the wall.
During the day, she would not tolerate my leaving the room. even after I was done being her food source, she wanted to keep the option of me around at all times. If she was denied this for even the length of a shower, the streets echoed with her piercing howls of wrath.
There was no leaving her with sitters. We just did not go out for the entirety of 2014.
Yet for all that clinginess, she was not the most affectionate child. As a toddler she could be very snuggly- when she wanted to be. Other times she would enact a “no touchy!” rule. She would be the hugger- but only if you didn’t hug her in return.
Then there was bath time. The Tiny Chaos Goblin hated water. Hated it. Attempts at baths would only lead to almost inhuman screams mixed with wordless terror. Even putting her hands in running water was met with tears. For more than a year, we only spot cleaned our infant.
These things passed.
But then, the hitting started.
Violet didn’t really go through these phases. Of course, the one influence that has been a constant in Lily’s life that wasn’t in Violet’s is…Violet. I think that was part of what started this. Though Violet is an unusually kind and empathetic child, she has her limits and her bad days and I thought Lily just didn’t know how to deal with frustration with her sister so she used her little hands to get her point across.
I did what I could-what all of the books said to do, to curb this behavior. Nothing really helped. I hoped it was a phase.
It’s only gotten worse.
Now she bites too. Violet has been left with teeth marks on her back, arms, legs… because Lily didn’t like something about the way things in their dollhouse game were going.
Most recently, she’s started spitting at Violet when she gets mad and Violet wisely stays out of reach.
When I put her in time out and talk to her after she’s calmed down, she seems genuinely upset over what she’s done. Immediately after hitting her sister, she cries and yells that she’s sorry. If I ask her why she’s done it, she cries that she doesn’t know.
We talk about the things she can do instead of hitting and screaming when she gets frustrated. I am quick to reward the good behavior. Yet the bad behavior is an almost daily occurrence… or more.
A couple of weeks ago she was enraged because I wouldn’t get her a bubble toy from the grocery store. As I was strapping her into the car seat, she got quiet, looked me in the eye. and told me that she hated me. Violet gasped. I pictured our future appearance on Maury
I do have a small hope that school will help remedy some of this. Maybe she just needs to be better stimulated. But my fear is that I’m sending her out there too soon and that if she’s exposed to the wrong kind of influences, children that behave similarly for example, then it will just get worse and at least one of us may need therapy.
These things don’t match up with who she is the rest of the time. She is a creature of extremes. She’s a ninja quick, alarmingly intelligent little wonder. She’s highly imaginative and a natural performer and is so adorably silly and sweet that when she switches into this Berserker-Mode it’s like seeing a child possessed.
Of course I blame myself. Like any parent I’ll always wonder, “Did I put enough iron nails into the headboard of her crib?” Should I have left more iron scissors open and laying out where she slept so that the fairies couldn’t have stolen part of her away and left part of one of their own within her?” But it’s no use beating myself up over it now.
Maybe I’ll bring that up later.
In the therapy.
