“Great news!” I told Mark after he got home from another 11 hour shift. ” I have discovered the secret to financial security! Are you ready? ”
He sighed and looked like he was either hopeful but afraid, or exasperated yet interested- the guy’s a tough read.
I took a breath and exhaled my wisdom. “Cum For BigFoot.”
He blinked. “What.”
“Cum. For. Bigfoot.”
‘No- I HEARD you-”
“Okay so this woman on Booktube was reviewing this book that was basically monster porn, so OF COURSE I had to go look it up to see if it was real-”
“Book What?!”
“BOOKTUBE. Mark, stay with me here. Anyway, so I assumed it was going to be a sort of Wattpad self published fan-fiction sort of thing, but I found it on Amazon and not only is it a $%%$ 3 book series, but the author is-”
“A what pad?”
“JESUS MARK- Wattpad! It’s like A03 but not good. Or better? I’m not sure of the particulars. ANYWAY, so it turns out the author-”
” “A-0-3″ …..?”
“THE. AUTHOR. Is a NYT best selling author! She made like 15,000 a month peddling monster smut. This was a few years ago, and now there’s a filter on Amazon to prevent things like cryptozoology porn from reaching such a big audience but-”
“How awful.”
“BUT- even making a fraction of that kind of money would kinda be worth it. Now I know what you’re thinking..”
He laughed mirthlessly.” I promise you don’t.”
“Obviously someone’s already done sasquatch erotica, so that market is probably saturated (eww). Remember how dinosaur erotica was a thing a while ago and then it dried out?”
*blinks*
“So I’ll just have to go with some other mythical creature. There enough of them out there. Here’s an idea: ” Sexy Time with Shirime”.
“Yeah, I don’t know what that means so-”
“Exactly. No one else is probably writing about it- so it’s a fresh market. Shirime is a Japanese spirit with an eye in the place of his anus. I know, I know- it doesn’t sound sexy, but I can eroticize anything .”
“Well, that’s a concerning statement.”
“Hey- tentacle erotica is an established cultural theme in Japanese culture going back hundreds of years, this is like the same sort of thing. DO NOT PRETEND YOU ARE UNAWARE OF THIS. Now, again, I know what youre thinking-”
He laughed. A small, desperate sound.
“And I would just hate to be accused of appropriating anyone’s culture, so I decided to skip the tentacle rape theme. Unless it it was maybe Cthulu themed? But that would definitely count as fan fiction so- ”
“So you’re going to sell erotica based on…what your Irishness?”
“There’s a lot to draw from there, but I can pretty much use any traditional European based mythological creature as well. How about, ‘Boning the Banshee’?”
He shook his head.
“‘The Puca That Pounded Me'”?
He put his head on the table.
‘Loved by a Leprachaun’ “?
He covered his ears and got up to walk away.
“Riding the Centaur“? I called after him.
He shut the bedroom door.
I whisper yelled down the hall, “The Satyr who Sexed Me“?
I heard the lock click.
Undeterred by Mark’s lack of vision, I’m putting all of this in the “maybe” pile for now.
”
