For What it’s Worth

I see these cute articles about the monetary value of being a stay at home PARENT floating around now and then. The numbers vary of course because it’s all based on entertaining estimates, but since we see zero dollars of the $75,000- $150,000 of our apparent annual worth, it doesn’t really matter.

Something that would matter would be being able to put ANY of this experience on a resume when your kids are old enough for you to re-enter the working world. I’d love to be able to say that I’ve been in ‘logistics and accounting’ for the last however many years instead of, “All of my knowledge and skills applicable to this field of work I am applying for are woefully outdated and half forgotten- also this is the first time I’ve left the house in pants without a drawstring since Obama was in office.“

But that’s not how this works.

This is one of the reasons a good chunk of fast food and cashier type jobs are occupied middle age women- fresh from ending their SAHM status.

So there’s that to look forward to.

I don’t like to feel like I’m being funneled toward something, even if it’s something good. Depression thrives in an environment where I feel I have no control over what’s coming.

Sometimes I like to imagine that if I’d just graduated college then this next stage of working life would be easier, but that’s not how my life went, so instead I’ve gone and worked out some alternatives to bringing in a second income:

Etsy: Even if you don’t have time to perfect an artistic skill, You might get away with selling stuff anyway.

Socially Acceptable Child Labor: Why not make the things that cost you money make you money? I’ve often heard from friends and strangers that Violet should model. It sounds great!

GoFundMe: It turns out you can use this fundraising site for any stupid thing, so….

Patreon: Artsy GoFundMe alternative. The children are the projects I’ve produced and people can pay me to feel like they’re a part of the family. For $5 a month Violet will draw you a picture of cat, for $10- the girls will sing you a song about raccoons, $15- a one hour loop of Lillian’s raptor-like screeching, $20-An Envelope of MYSTERY ( I reach under the children’s bed and mail a handful of whatever I grab.)

Cam Girl: There’s some weird thing for everyone, who’s to say there isn’t a market for watching baggy, sunken eyed housewives cry discreetly over a sink or just getting five minutes to themselves which they spend laying on the bed staring blankly at the ceiling- or into a camera!

Inheritance: This requires some fate twisting that I have no control over, but maybe some ancient relative I’ve never met leaves me all of their wealth and a rambling, decaying mansion. There are skeletons in the closets and ghosts in every bed. A bizarre old brother and sister pair keep the grounds and house running smoothly, like generations of their family had done before them. The tea never tastes right. There is something strange about the townspeople. There are wolves where there shouldn’t be. Everyone gets paler. Murder.

Just Be A Vampire: Movies and much of the literature on the subject tells me that there are no such thing as poor vampires. My theory is that when you become a vampire, there is some sort of Vampire Trust fund that comes with it,but it’s never spoken of. PLUS you save so much money on food!

YouTube: I could use a GoFundMe, or perhaps a yet unheard of inheritance, to buy toys that I will film myself opening while my photogenic daughters sit quietly in the background, probably dressed in some Victorian inspired clothing and holding hands, occasional asking with trained British accents, “Can we come play with you Mummy?”. You only ever see my ivory white hands and long black nails as I whisper/hiss descriptions of the toys, because you see the gimmick will be that I’m a vampire. Wait- is there already a vampire toy unboxing channel featuring spooky background children? This needs research.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve got so far. There’s still a good year before I might be able to head back to any sort of work, so fingers crossed for a lottery win.