I recently discovered that Youtube is a treasure trove of Murder TV! You can find fresh stories as well as classic Forensic Files and Dateline on channels devoted to the topic of horrible murders.
Nearly all of the stories are of murdered women and in nearly all the cases the husband/boyfriend did it. I used to watch them with Mark a couple of apartments ago. Ten minutes in I’d always turn to him and shrug, “Husband did it.” and he- naive to the evils of men, would try to say that well maybe that wasn’t the case and being wrong all the time is pretty annoying, so Mark doesn’t like watching Murder TV anymore.
Sometimes I’ll drop “Husband did it” into the conversation and he’ll know what I mean. For example, if I get a kitten without telling him and when upon seeing it he angrily demands, “WHY is there an adorable kitten sitting on your lap?!” and my attempt to convince him that it’s the same old kitten we’ve always had fails for some reason, I ‘ll say, “First of all, husband did it, so calm down.”
It’s my way of saying that if you kill me, you will be the primary suspect and we both know you’ll be sloppy about it.
I also watch Female Killers for balance. Mark did watch enough of these things to know that when I tell him I think we should get him some life insurance, that it’s my way of letting him know that while I know I will be the primary suspect in his “accidental” death, I’ve got 400 hours of crime documentaries teaching me how not to get caught floating around my brain so would he please stop leaving gross bite marks in the cheese and use a knife like a civilized human being?!
It’s not that I admire murders or revere serial killers- I can’t even watch those movies where people are senselessly killed or tortured for 2 hours. But I suppose I watch these things partly because I would like to know how to dodge being murdered. I think being aware of the sickness and evil people are capable of might help you avoid being touched by it. Fingers crossed on that one.
Also, they’re easy to just throw on in the background while I do housework because I don’t have to pay very much attention to the things. I mean, most of the time the whole documentary could be condensed into a 10 minute story and you’d get the gist.
Of course. the side effect of too much murder TV is paranoia.
You heard of that horrific story of the woman with the $%^% cockroach in her ^&%& ear? I had probably the same reaction as anyone had upon reading it, but my brain took a fun route and factored in the idea of how this scenario could be used in uxoricide. .
You see, if I knew for a second that a cockroach were inside of my ear, well that…that would be it.
I’d have to leave the planet.
I couldn’t exist where that was reality and I would literally just die from the knowledge of what was happening in my ear canal.
There would maybe be vomit, followed by death. I would have no say in this, I’m pretty sure it would be a sort of mental fail- safe.
And Mark knows this. And he knows where I sleep. And where cockroaches are (hint: it’s New Orleans so they’re everyfuckingwhere).
I’m just sayin’. IF life insurance on me exists, mark my sudden cockroach related death as not only extremely gross and weird, but suspicious…
