I come from a line of estrangement. I’m not sure how long of a line, on account of all the estrangement, but what I do know is that one year I went from having a fair number of aunts, uncles, cousins, mothers (of both the grand and birth variety) , to having none of those things ever again.
Being eleven, I had no say in what happened. It was also never explained to me in any sensible way and I wasn’t really allowed to ask any questions. Predictably, I was greatly affected by all of this and it was a super popular topic in therapy years on.
So, any time of year that so heavily focuses on family and getting together with loved ones could be tough even as a grown up. It seemed the months of November through January would always subtly lay a weight on me that I couldn’t quite shake. I either volunteered to work or hid in my apartment with a magnum of wine and a stack of movies (from Blockbuster because I’m, as the youths say, old AF.)
People would try to invite me to their gatherings but I usually managed to side -step them. Even as a kid, going to friend’s houses with their loving functional families made me feel like an alien and it didn’t really get easier as an adult.
Luckily in my husband I found someone with a similar background when it came to both family estrangement and Holiday related angst. It was nice to finally have someone to shun away societal norms with.
However, another thing we had in common was a desire to have a family so eventually we were two sort of loners with a child- the small bit of family we had left was safely on the other side of the country. But while we were untethered by anyone’s traditions, we knew that eventually there would be school and other children so in the interest of mimicking what passes for normal, we started our own ways of doing the things and in doing so slayed the ghosts of Christmas Past to find our holiday happy place.
These days were made light again.
Other people celebrate Thanksgiving. We go to a bar have Pie Day.
Halloween? Oh, hold on to your f#cking hat.
Christmas lights and music and $ALES every possible place you turn? Well, welcome to Cheesemas (Not really, no one is ever invited to Cheesmas.)
I feel holiday pics of our smiling children are obligatory. See the all the happiness? LOOK AT IT.
The bleary-eyed giftmas morn:
