I went to this facebook page that had the word “Childfree” in it because a funny meme some friend had liked directed me there, and who doesn’t love funny memes? I thought the page would have more of the same.
I was wrong.
Instead, it was practically a hate group comprised of those that had made the brave choice to not have kids and felt that their rights were infringed upon every time they had to be subjected to the presence of other people’s children.
Whether it be in a restaurant, on a plane, or at the park they believed there should be “childfree” zones, you know, just your basic segregation of the selfish breeders and themselves- the enlightened, downtrodden few.
It was thread after thread of ridiculous whining, but the one comment that stuck with me was one that implied that any parent that brought their child to a grocery store in the evening was just irresponsible and inconsiderate. It wasn’t like the kid wanted to be there and how dare the parents subject the other adults to a child that might make noises while they shopped? Clearly those sorts of parents don’t deserve food anyway.
That one stood out because I think I can just imagine the source of that person’s damage. I think they must’ve witnessed one of those dreaded checkout lane child meltdowns.
Or juice aisle meltdowns.
Or cereal aisle meltdowns.
Honestly, I’d witnessed a couple that made me think twice about breeding myself. Those particular tantrums are so stressful and traumatizing because you generally can’t just leave the store when you have a cart full of groceries that you need to buy. Leaving the child screaming and kicking on the floor while you pretend you don’t know them is frowned upon, as is yelling something like, “Well, whoever your mother is, I’ll bet she’s pretty embarrassed!” while you run for shelter in the vodka aisle.
No, no- you are just trapped with the flailing, screaming, nonsensical thing that is your child in a crowd of people, all of whom you are convinced are judging you.
Back when I was single, and childfree, going shopping consisted of me thinking that I should maybe pick up some milk. Then, days later when I found myself near a store, I might remember that I had wanted milk and go inside. Once there, I would get distracted by fancy cheeses and so, of course, I would have to get some wine and crackers to go with the cheese. Then maybe some fruit and chocolate as well. For balance. And I would leave the store, without milk, but happy. It was the adult, lush version of “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”.
Long gone are those days.
Now, I have to make an actual list, which means planning every meal a week in advance for four people. Still not a huge deal, until you factor in the fact that I have to plan things that everyone in this house can, and ideally, *will* eat.
I also have to factor in our diminishing food budget, so before I can come up with a menu I have to compare things like sale ads and coupons. Oh, and try to keep things unprocessed and healthy or else I’m a monster!
By the time I get done with this whole ridiculous and weirdly stressful process. I still have to actually go shopping. Usually with the children. And sober.
I’m pretty close to just buying a case of ramen and some canned veggies a week and calling it done.
However, once I get to the store, I do have a couple of tricks for preventing in-store meltdowns.
First of all. I don’t let my kids call any shopping shots. I don’t ask them what kind of snacks they want or if we should get juice. That would give them the impression that they have some actual say in this process and when they think that, it opens all kinds of doors to that lead to some very loud and screamy places.
When it comes to breakfast foods, I would tell the girls that there is cereal, and then there is candy that looks like cereal, and eating candy for breakfast would just be barbaric. They seemed to understand this and didn’t show interest in the chocolate filled, chocolate covered and then rolled in sugar cereals for a long time.
If you only have one child and that child hasn’t been introduced to candy yet, you can actually just not introduce them to candy, but if you choose to, don’t let them see the wrapper. Violet was probably four before she figured out the chocolate treats she got for Halloween were also available in those shiny, colorful packages in the checkout lane. When trick-or-treating she got caught up in the fun of getting the candy, but as I would ration it out for the next several weeks, I’d always open it and discard the wrapper before giving it to her. She loved chocolate, but couldn’t i.d. a fully clothed Hershey bar in a line up. But that is no longer the case.
Now because of Violet, Lily was very familiar with what candy was by the time she was a toddler, so for a while I would reward good in store behavior with a York Peppermint Patty, (they still call it “Circle Candy”) split between them in the car. It was always a Circle Candy because divided up, it isn’t a lot and- added bonus- it isn’t a choking hazard. Unless you also eat the wrapper, I suppose.
It also helps to give them a snack to eat in the store almost every time, usually it’s a snack bag of chips or crackers or fruit, and that keeps them content.
But the in store tantrum is probably inevitable at some point no matter what you do. And when it happens to you, and this is important, just remember: there are other stores. Stores where no one knows you. Sure maybe it’s a little further to drive and they might not have the brands you like, but… they’re out there.
