I have to step outside of my comfort zone for the sake of my children all the time-that’s like half of what parenting is for me when school and dealing with other adults all exist outside of that zone. So when my child makes a friend, I do what I can to facilitate them hanging out despite my own anxiety about it, because social connections are important for her to have.
Only the hanging out usually doesn’t happen.
What does happen is either the other kid’s parent doesn’t get back to me, or they do, but they end up cancelling. And cancelling is fine- I get it. There are 7000 things that can come up when you’re a parent. I GET IT. But then, I feel like if you’re the one that’s cancelling, the ball is in your court to reschedule. Life is hectic, so I’ll always say for them to just let me know when we can can try this again and then….crickets.
When this happens enough times, and because I’m a lunatic, I start to think that maybe they don’t want to get our kids together because of me. For whatever reason, and there’s probably many owing to the fact that I’m too awkward or annoying or just plain fucking weird, people might not want to be in an enclosed environment with me for hours while our kids do their thing. And the thing is, I GET THAT TOO and it is fine– understandable even. Now that she’s older, I have the option of just dropping her off if they prefer.
But then I worry that when I suggest that, it sounds like I’m the one that doesn’t want to hang out with them and that might be what’s off-putting…..so I can’t win. I’m not trying to win, I just want my kid to have friends and because my brain just doesn’t know when to stop, I’ll then start wondering on her behalf if maybe the other kid is just placating mine in saying they want to hang out with her in the first place and I just want to move us all into the woods and be done with it all because the stress of being in charge of another person’s social well -being is making me feel far, far crazier than I actually am.
Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that I’ve failed her.
Maybe I should have been more aggressive about getting her those playdates. Maybe I should have just kept pressing those other moms to make it happen or to at least finally be upfront and tell me that they just didn’t want our kids hanging out instead of weirdly insisting that we set something up every single time we run into each other with no actual intention of doing so- that I don’t get. Like you can just say “it was good seeing you” or something without getting my daughter’s hopes up for something that isn’t going to happen.
Now I’m left with a very lonely barely ten- year -old who has been dealing with some awful things that I can’t talk about yet and having some true friends would really have helped her. She missed the Fifth Grade Clique train and has been frozen out and I feel responsible. All I can do is tell her that I’ll always be there for her and then always be there for her and hope that someday she’s able to form some connections with kids her own age outside of school at least.
I’m having a hard time coming up with a best case scenario at the moment in case that doesn’t happen.
